


Afraid of Failing You

by AlgaLenn



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Based on a Tumblr Post, Based on a comic by linneart, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, M/M, Season 9
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-26
Updated: 2014-04-26
Packaged: 2018-01-20 22:17:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1527680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlgaLenn/pseuds/AlgaLenn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is my headcanon of how <a href="http://linneart.tumblr.com/">Linnea's</a> comic ends.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Afraid of Failing You

**Author's Note:**

> Well, this is just something I had to write so I would be able to cope with the feelings that [this](http://linneart.tumblr.com/post/68019363054) beautiful comic gave me. It destroyed me, seriously, so... here you have a silly continuation to it, because I _had_ to (I'm pretty sure there's better fanfics based on this)  
>  For some reason I can't write too far away from canon, so this takes place during season nine (and that's probably the problem with it, but well...). Oh, and it's unbeta'd, so feel free to point out any mistakes I might have made (English is not my first language).

Castiel holds Dean’s lifeless body in his arms. He yells at the sky, at his father, how unfair this is. The angel would have given anything for Dean Winchester, he would have died himself before letting any of this happen. He has always tried to be there for the hunter and he has failed sometimes, but he has never thought that he would fail like this. Cas has lost his north, the only thing that kept him from giving up, the only person who could make him see beauty in a world full of hate and loss and despair. He has lost Dean, he has lost hope, he has lost everything and it is his entire fault. All his fault.

Closing his eyes, the defeated angel lets the tears stream down his face, for the first time letting himself cry and show his emotions to the only one in the universe he has ever wanted to show them. But that person isn’t there anymore and Cas is left to cry alone in the empty field, praying, _begging_ , for a miracle to happen. He has lost count of how many times he has said the human’s name already, but he won’t stop. He knows that it is not safe for him to stay in that place, but he won’t leave Dean here and if someone finds him… Well, he will be glad to die with the name of the Righteous Man on his lips.

Then there’s a voice answering him, there’s a voice saying his name. The voice sounds worried. It is a tender voice, deep and a bit gruff but soft in the edges, it’s full of love and affection and Castiel wants to drown in the music that it is for his ears. The voice gets louder and urges him to open his eyes, but the angel doesn’t want to do so, he doesn’t want to see Dean again. If he keeps his eyes closed then he can pretend that he hasn’t lost a part of himself, that the man in his arms is still alive. He can almost feel his breathing on his cheek.

But that voice… Castiel recognizes that voice…

* * *

 

Castiel sits upright on the bed, all of the sudden. He is panting and his heart is beating really fast, as if he has been running from something. He is also covered in cold sweat and his eyes are wide opened. He scans the room where he finds himself, like a caged animal waiting for something to come out of a dark corner and attack him, but after a few seconds he recognizes the place and relaxes a little. Then there’s a hand on his shoulder and the… angel? Human? Whatever he is now, he is not really sure any more, startles again, moving away from it.

“Hey, Cas.” Dean’s voice whispers and Castiel turns towards the source of the voice, the only one that can really bring him back to reality after this kind of nights. The hunter is, indeed, sitting beside him, holding up his hands to show him that there’s nothing to be afraid of. That’s not truly necessary, if there’s something in this universe that Castiel can be sure about is that his hunter would never hurt him. “It’s fine, okay? It was just another nightmare, it wasn’t real.” Dean reassures him, hesitantly scooting closer to the scared angel, who finally leans into the touch and closes his eyes, a lot more relaxed. He feels a lot safer now that the human has his arms wrapped around his waist.

Castiel sighs and eventually finds his voice. “I’m sorry, Dean, it wasn’t my intention to wake you up.” He murmurs. Things have been like this for a while now. Ever since Theo’s grace started leaving him and he has felt the need of sleeping again, the angel has been having nightmares almost every night and, every single night, those nightmares wake up Dean, who already has troubles to fall asleep, thanks to the Mark of Cain. Cas can’t stop feeling guilty about it.

The hunter shushes him, running his fingers up and down Castiel’s bare belly. “You don’t have to apologize for that, babe. I wasn’t _that_ tired.” He replies and the knowledge that it isn’t a lie at all is what always worries Cas. The mark is changing the other and they have yet to find Abaddon.  “Will you tell me what was it this time?” Castiel shakes his head no and silently asks Dean to fall back on the bed. Of course the hunter complies, but he doesn’t stop holding the other in his arms. “You know… it will only get worse if you don’t ever tell me.”

“It was something stupid that doesn’t have any chance of happening, Dean, don’t worry about it, let’s go back to sleep.” Castiel never wants to talk about his nightmares, because they would only make Dean worry and there’s no point in worrying about something that only happens inside his mind. They have a lot to take care of, without adding the angel’s lack of good dreams to the list.

Castiel feels the human’s lips on his neck and sighs. He knows this routine by heart and Dean keeps using it, even though he never achieves anything with it. “Dean…” He wants to close his eyes and try to sleep again; today he really isn’t in the mood to play along with the hunter. “Just tell me, Cas.” Dean’s right hand moves down the angel’s body slowly, stopping at his thigh, asking for permission to continue, but Cas turns over his side, so he is now facing the other, and Dean can see on his face that this is not the right moment. “Look,” he starts, moving his hand back up, to cup his lover’s face, “ I understand if you don’t want to talk about it, but I don’t care if they could never happen, sometimes talking about them helps, believe me, no matter how stupid they seem.” Dean strokes Castiel’s cheek with his thumb, but the angel still doesn’t say a word. “You know, when I told Sam about hell… well the nightmares didn’t stop, but they became less frequent, I just want to help you, Cas.”

There’s no way Dean is letting this go, ever, if they don’t talk about it and, even though Castiel has been avoiding talking so as not to worry the hunter, he can see that he is concerned anyway. “If I tell you, will you stop worrying about them? They are just nightmares.” The hunter doesn’t answer and Cas knows that is because he can’t promise that. It is okay, Castiel wouldn’t be able either, so he starts describing the one he had that night.

When he is finished, Dean has somehow managed to pull him even closer and his face is practically buried on the crook of the hunter’s neck. “Well, that one was really stupid, ‘cause you know I would never let an angel inside me. Except you, of course.” He jokes, trying to make Castiel relax. That makes Cas smile a little and Dean counts it as a victory. “Is always the same one?” Cas doesn’t reply and is waiting for the human to ask him about it a second time, but instead, Dean kisses the top of his head and pulls the covers over them. “I’m glad you told me, Cas. Do you think you’ll be able to fall asleep again now?” He asks, moving a bit away from the angel so he can look at him in the eyes. “Yes, Dean, thank you.” Dean shakes his head slightly and smiles fondly, before giving Cas a soft kiss on the lips, of the kind he loves so much. “Don’t even mention it, angel.”

Castiel remembers every single nightmare and no, it is never the same one. He is mostly afraid of failing Dean. In some of them he’s being tortured; in others he’s god again, betraying the brothers and losing their trust; there’s the ones where Naomi is still controlling him and he kills Dean a thousand times, in a thousand different ways; also there are some in which the three of them are on a simple hunt, but things go wrong and Sam and Dean die, he tries to bring them back and then realizes he’s not an angel any more. There’s also that one in which the Mark of Cain takes over Dean and the hunter kills him with his own hands, because Castiel can't bring him back from it, because their bond is not as strong as he had thought. There’s no way Castiel is talking about any of them in that moment, but he will, about everyone of them at its own time, because he trusts Dean not to think less of him for being afraid and the hunter is right, talking helps, he can already feel this particular nightmare leaving him forever.

**Author's Note:**

> As always, kudos and comments are loved <3


End file.
